We all want love. The problem is that some of us don’t realize the things we’re doing that quench it. As the DC Talk song says, “We all wanna be loved.” But some of us don’t know how.
The Apostle Paul articulated the do’s and don’ts of love in 1 Corinthians 13:1-8. Last week I wrote on the “do’s.” In this post we’ll look at the “don’ts.”
1 Cor 13:4-5: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (NIV)
You would think that the opposite of love would be hate. But you would be mistaken. The opposite of love, the thing that undermines and weakens and ultimately destroys it is not hate, it is self-centeredness. Self-centeredness is the destroyer of loving relationships. The “don’ts” of love are self-centered attitudes and behaviors, things guaranteed to destroy love. Here they are.
LOVE IS NOT JEALOUS Vs.4 –Love feels no loss at another’s gain. Love does not see the world as a zero sum game the way I see pecan pie in the fridge. Something comes over me. It is MY PIE. I know that for my kids to get more means that I get less. Instead, love rejoices in the goodness of God to a brother or sister. Love knows God’s goodness is limitless. Love doesn’t compare. It doesn’t measure itself against others. Love shares the pie without the envy.
LOVE IS NOT ARROGANT - “Does not boast, is not proud.” – “Boast” means ‘Trash talk’. Think WWF or the kind of stuff that goes on before a NFL championship game. Love doesn’t blow its own horn. It doesn’t need to.
The self-centered person is arrogant because she believes one of two things.
Number one: She really believes that she is better than everyone else. A young woman went to her pastor and said, "Pastor, I have a besetting sin, and I want your help. I come to church on Sunday and can't help thinking I'm the prettiest girl in the congregation. I know I ought not think that, but I can't help it. I want you to help me with it."
The pastor replied, "Mary, don't worry about it. In your case it's not a sin. It's just a horrible mistake."
Number two: The self-centered person is arrogant because he believes he’s less than everyone else. More often than not arrogance is as much a sign of insecurity as it is over-confidence. The blow fish only puffs itself up when it’s in danger – when it feels insecure – and wants to scare off intruders. Rude, selfish and hot-tempered people are usually very insecure. They just don’t want you to know and sometimes can’t even see it themselves.
See those next three words in vs. 5? Rude means literally ‘bad form’, intentionally discourteous. Self-seeking is literally ‘grasping’, trying to be first in everyone’s eyes. Easily angered is ‘hot-tempered’, short-fused, no patience. All these are the elements of arrogance.
These are pretty good diagnostic tools for your relationships. In other words, if you find yourself being rude, grasping and hot-tempered it’s probably a mistake to tell yourself, “well I need to practice courtesy and generosity and patience.” It’s better to think of these as symptoms of self-centeredness and start looking for the source of it.
LOVE IS NOT RESENTFUL - Keeps no record of wrongs.
The self-centered person keeps a record because the scales must always be balanced in his favor. It is really idolatry. It ignores the Cross of Christ (forgive and you will be forgiven. Matt. 6:14-15). The resentful man believes that it is his job to bring about justice. He takes God out of the picture. He is unconscious of the mercy he has received therefore he cannot extend it to anyone else.
Resentment does to relationships what battery acid does to blue jeans. I took a battery out of a car and carried it to the garage. It touched my jeans in a few places. In just a few weeks the jeans had holes every where the battery touched. You can’t see resentment. You didn’t notice when the battery touched the blue jeans of your marriage. But it eats away at the fabric of a friendship until one day it can no longer hold the weight of everyday wear and tear. The relationship falls apart.
If you feel resentful, if you’ve been hurt, take your grievances to the Cross first. Contemplate the justice that was done there for your sins. Live free of resentment.
LOVE DOESN’T DELIGHT IN EVIL – literally ‘takes no joy in what is against or contrary to righteousness.’
Apologist, author, and speaker Josh McDowell writes:
Tolerance says, "You must approve of what I do." Love responds, "I must do something harder: I will love you, even when your behavior offends me."
Tolerance says, "You must agree with me." Love responds, "I must do something harder: I will tell you the truth, because I am convinced 'the truth will set you free.'"
Tolerance says, "You must allow me to have my way." Love responds, "I must do something harder: I will plead with you to follow the right way, because I believe you are worth the risk."
Tolerance seeks to be inoffensive; love takes risks. Tolerance glorifies division; love seeks unity. Tolerance costs nothing; love costs everything.
The love that we are to have for others is not empty headed, devoid of truth and blind. It is not tolerance of anything in the name of love. It is boundless in its understanding but not clueless in its compassion. It knows the difference between loving a sinner and hating what sin does. It is a love that honors goodness and seeks what is best for the beloved.
That’s a love that refuses to rejoice in evil.
Relationships are like gardens. You reap what you sow. Sow unselfishness, sow truth, sow humility, and you will sow love.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
THE DO’S AND DON’TS OF LOVE
Did you know that lonely people live shorter lives than people with healthy relationships? Scientists have learned that people with poor relationship skills are more likely to develop disease, less likely to achieve financial success and much more likely to be fired from their jobs. One study showed that even in technology fields, 15% of financial success is related to technical ability. 85% is determined by people skills. Building healthy relationships is one of the most important things we do in life.
The best way to build healthy relationships is to practice the do’s and don’ts of love found in 1 Corinthians 13.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails… (1 Cor 13:4-8a NIV)
First Corinthians 13 is showing us how to “Do Love.” In this post we'll look at the "do's" of love. In the next we'll examine the "don'ts."
LOVE IS PATIENT – Patience means long suffering. The Greek word translated “patient” here is Macro-Thumos meaning long tempered as opposed to short- fused. Patience is the acquired ability to suffer physical or emotional pain without complaining or striking back.
When you’re sick you’re “patient”:
• With your body while you feel bad.
• With the doctor when his treatments feel worse.
• With the insurance company, when they tell you how much they aren’t going to pay.
Patience comes when I recognize that I am not in control. I cannot guarantee the outcome by effort or will power. I may have an influence, but I do not have the ability to force a result. Patience is bearing with the painful things you can’t change.
The second “DO” in the “do’s and don’ts is:
LOVE IS KIND – The great theologian and sometime country singer Clint Black said this:
Love is certain love is kind
Love is yours and love is mine
But it isn’t something that we find
It’s something that we do
We often think of love and kindness as feelings of compassion and tenderness. But love is more than feelings. Love, according to the Bible, is kind and kindness is something that we do. One of the best definitions of kindness is: Make one self useful.
The third ‘Do’ in the ‘Do’s and Don’ts’ of Love is:
DELIGHTS IN TRUTH - TRUTH is “the reality lying at the basis of an appearance; the manifested, veritable essence of a matter."
Truth is what is real as opposed to what is not real. It’s the genuine article as opposed to the fake. It’s sincerity as opposed to hypocrisy. It’s honesty as opposed to deceit.
We often become pretenders in our relationships because we fear what transparency might do. But delighting in the truth is taking the risk to share the real you.
Love is not something that we feel. It is some things that we do. It’s patience. It’s kindness, it’s taking a risk and sharing the real you. It’s’ the best Valentine gift that you can give any day of the week and any month of the year.
The best way to build healthy relationships is to practice the do’s and don’ts of love found in 1 Corinthians 13.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails… (1 Cor 13:4-8a NIV)
First Corinthians 13 is showing us how to “Do Love.” In this post we'll look at the "do's" of love. In the next we'll examine the "don'ts."
LOVE IS PATIENT – Patience means long suffering. The Greek word translated “patient” here is Macro-Thumos meaning long tempered as opposed to short- fused. Patience is the acquired ability to suffer physical or emotional pain without complaining or striking back.
When you’re sick you’re “patient”:
• With your body while you feel bad.
• With the doctor when his treatments feel worse.
• With the insurance company, when they tell you how much they aren’t going to pay.
Patience comes when I recognize that I am not in control. I cannot guarantee the outcome by effort or will power. I may have an influence, but I do not have the ability to force a result. Patience is bearing with the painful things you can’t change.
The second “DO” in the “do’s and don’ts is:
LOVE IS KIND – The great theologian and sometime country singer Clint Black said this:
Love is certain love is kind
Love is yours and love is mine
But it isn’t something that we find
It’s something that we do
We often think of love and kindness as feelings of compassion and tenderness. But love is more than feelings. Love, according to the Bible, is kind and kindness is something that we do. One of the best definitions of kindness is: Make one self useful.
The third ‘Do’ in the ‘Do’s and Don’ts’ of Love is:
DELIGHTS IN TRUTH - TRUTH is “the reality lying at the basis of an appearance; the manifested, veritable essence of a matter."
Truth is what is real as opposed to what is not real. It’s the genuine article as opposed to the fake. It’s sincerity as opposed to hypocrisy. It’s honesty as opposed to deceit.
We often become pretenders in our relationships because we fear what transparency might do. But delighting in the truth is taking the risk to share the real you.
Love is not something that we feel. It is some things that we do. It’s patience. It’s kindness, it’s taking a risk and sharing the real you. It’s’ the best Valentine gift that you can give any day of the week and any month of the year.
What is Your Perception of God?
Think of some of your favorite people, the people you most want to be with, the people you will go out of your way to meet, rearrange your schedule to spend time with. What is it about them that make them so desirable to you? I’ll bet that they share some of these characteristics.
1. He makes you feel welcome. He’s the kind of friend that waits out in the driveway for you to arrive and greets you with a handshake or a hug.
2. He makes you feel intelligent. He’s the guy that appreciates your take on the situation. He makes you feel like what you have to say is worth hearing.
3. He’s powerful. He is self sustaining. He isn’t needy, she isn’t clingy.
4. He’s good company. He understands you. He has those two qualities so necessary to a real friend: He takes your concerns seriously but he knows when not to take you too seriously. He knows the difference between the real you and the cartoon you – taking the first one soberly and the second like Bugs Bunny doing the Barber of Seville.
How many of us would have a problem with prayer if we felt as comfortable and attracted to God as we do to our best friends? There is certainly much more to a relationship with God than that, more than what we would ever have with a good friend. But it’s never less than that. And we lose out - we miss all that is there for us in prayer because we are convinced that it is less, that God is more to be feared than to be loved.
Jesus went a long way to dispel that rumor, to show it up for a lie. He did it by teaching us about God as Father. Look at the emphasis he puts on understanding God as our Father.
Matt 6:6-9 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7 And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8 Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. 9 "This, then, is how you should pray: "'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,…(NIV)
Matt 6:14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.(NIV)
Matt 6:17-18 But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. (NIV)
Seven times in seven sentences, four short paragraphs, Jesus repeats this phrase “your Father”. Do you think he’s trying to tell us something?
"If you want to judge how well a person understands Christianity, find out how much he makes of the thought of being God's child, and having God as his Father. If this is not the thought that prompts and controls his worship and prayers and his whole outlook on life, it means that he does not understand Christianity very well at all." J. I. Packer
It is the special privilege of believers in Jesus Christ to address God, to know God, as Father. As a king’s son has access to the throne that is unknown by others so Jesus makes it clear that we have an open door to the presence of God and a right to familiarity with him that is unknown to people outside of the kingdom. So spend some time today in prayer. Your Father in heaven is waiting to hear from you.
1. He makes you feel welcome. He’s the kind of friend that waits out in the driveway for you to arrive and greets you with a handshake or a hug.
2. He makes you feel intelligent. He’s the guy that appreciates your take on the situation. He makes you feel like what you have to say is worth hearing.
3. He’s powerful. He is self sustaining. He isn’t needy, she isn’t clingy.
4. He’s good company. He understands you. He has those two qualities so necessary to a real friend: He takes your concerns seriously but he knows when not to take you too seriously. He knows the difference between the real you and the cartoon you – taking the first one soberly and the second like Bugs Bunny doing the Barber of Seville.
How many of us would have a problem with prayer if we felt as comfortable and attracted to God as we do to our best friends? There is certainly much more to a relationship with God than that, more than what we would ever have with a good friend. But it’s never less than that. And we lose out - we miss all that is there for us in prayer because we are convinced that it is less, that God is more to be feared than to be loved.
Jesus went a long way to dispel that rumor, to show it up for a lie. He did it by teaching us about God as Father. Look at the emphasis he puts on understanding God as our Father.
Matt 6:6-9 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7 And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8 Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. 9 "This, then, is how you should pray: "'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,…(NIV)
Matt 6:14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.(NIV)
Matt 6:17-18 But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. (NIV)
Seven times in seven sentences, four short paragraphs, Jesus repeats this phrase “your Father”. Do you think he’s trying to tell us something?
"If you want to judge how well a person understands Christianity, find out how much he makes of the thought of being God's child, and having God as his Father. If this is not the thought that prompts and controls his worship and prayers and his whole outlook on life, it means that he does not understand Christianity very well at all." J. I. Packer
It is the special privilege of believers in Jesus Christ to address God, to know God, as Father. As a king’s son has access to the throne that is unknown by others so Jesus makes it clear that we have an open door to the presence of God and a right to familiarity with him that is unknown to people outside of the kingdom. So spend some time today in prayer. Your Father in heaven is waiting to hear from you.
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