THE DO’S AND DON’TS OF LOVE part 2

We all want love. The problem is that some of us don’t realize the things we’re doing that quench it. As the DC Talk song says, “We all wanna be loved.” But some of us don’t know how.

The Apostle Paul articulated the do’s and don’ts of love in 1 Corinthians 13:1-8. Last week I wrote on the “do’s.” In this post we’ll look at the “don’ts.”

1 Cor 13:4-5: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (NIV)

You would think that the opposite of love would be hate. But you would be mistaken. The opposite of love, the thing that undermines and weakens and ultimately destroys it is not hate, it is self-centeredness. Self-centeredness is the destroyer of loving relationships. The “don’ts” of love are self-centered attitudes and behaviors, things guaranteed to destroy love. Here they are.

LOVE IS NOT JEALOUS Vs.4 –Love feels no loss at another’s gain. Love does not see the world as a zero sum game the way I see pecan pie in the fridge. Something comes over me. It is MY PIE. I know that for my kids to get more means that I get less. Instead, love rejoices in the goodness of God to a brother or sister. Love knows God’s goodness is limitless. Love doesn’t compare. It doesn’t measure itself against others. Love shares the pie without the envy.

LOVE IS NOT ARROGANT - “Does not boast, is not proud.” – “Boast” means ‘Trash talk’. Think WWF or the kind of stuff that goes on before a NFL championship game. Love doesn’t blow its own horn. It doesn’t need to.

The self-centered person is arrogant because she believes one of two things.

Number one: She really believes that she is better than everyone else. A young woman went to her pastor and said, "Pastor, I have a besetting sin, and I want your help. I come to church on Sunday and can't help thinking I'm the prettiest girl in the congregation. I know I ought not think that, but I can't help it. I want you to help me with it."

The pastor replied, "Mary, don't worry about it. In your case it's not a sin. It's just a horrible mistake."

Number two: The self-centered person is arrogant because he believes he’s less than everyone else. More often than not arrogance is as much a sign of insecurity as it is over-confidence. The blow fish only puffs itself up when it’s in danger – when it feels insecure – and wants to scare off intruders. Rude, selfish and hot-tempered people are usually very insecure. They just don’t want you to know and sometimes can’t even see it themselves.

See those next three words in vs. 5? Rude means literally ‘bad form’, intentionally discourteous. Self-seeking is literally ‘grasping’, trying to be first in everyone’s eyes. Easily angered is ‘hot-tempered’, short-fused, no patience. All these are the elements of arrogance.

These are pretty good diagnostic tools for your relationships. In other words, if you find yourself being rude, grasping and hot-tempered it’s probably a mistake to tell yourself, “well I need to practice courtesy and generosity and patience.” It’s better to think of these as symptoms of self-centeredness and start looking for the source of it.

LOVE IS NOT RESENTFUL - Keeps no record of wrongs.
The self-centered person keeps a record because the scales must always be balanced in his favor. It is really idolatry. It ignores the Cross of Christ (forgive and you will be forgiven. Matt. 6:14-15). The resentful man believes that it is his job to bring about justice. He takes God out of the picture. He is unconscious of the mercy he has received therefore he cannot extend it to anyone else.

Resentment does to relationships what battery acid does to blue jeans. I took a battery out of a car and carried it to the garage. It touched my jeans in a few places. In just a few weeks the jeans had holes every where the battery touched. You can’t see resentment. You didn’t notice when the battery touched the blue jeans of your marriage. But it eats away at the fabric of a friendship until one day it can no longer hold the weight of everyday wear and tear. The relationship falls apart.

If you feel resentful, if you’ve been hurt, take your grievances to the Cross first. Contemplate the justice that was done there for your sins. Live free of resentment.

LOVE DOESN’T DELIGHT IN EVIL – literally ‘takes no joy in what is against or contrary to righteousness.’

Apologist, author, and speaker Josh McDowell writes:

Tolerance says, "You must approve of what I do." Love responds, "I must do something harder: I will love you, even when your behavior offends me."

Tolerance says, "You must agree with me." Love responds, "I must do something harder: I will tell you the truth, because I am convinced 'the truth will set you free.'"

Tolerance says, "You must allow me to have my way." Love responds, "I must do something harder: I will plead with you to follow the right way, because I believe you are worth the risk."

Tolerance seeks to be inoffensive; love takes risks. Tolerance glorifies division; love seeks unity. Tolerance costs nothing; love costs everything.

The love that we are to have for others is not empty headed, devoid of truth and blind. It is not tolerance of anything in the name of love. It is boundless in its understanding but not clueless in its compassion. It knows the difference between loving a sinner and hating what sin does. It is a love that honors goodness and seeks what is best for the beloved.

That’s a love that refuses to rejoice in evil.

Relationships are like gardens. You reap what you sow. Sow unselfishness, sow truth, sow humility, and you will sow love.